| wow...only wen ur in soo much unbearable pain.....only wen ur not even
able to keep anything more than water down....only when ur addicted to
a drug that is killing u yet keeping u alive...only wen u been to
the hospital 5 timesw in 9 weeks and only wen uve jus been told if u
dont get potassium in u and food in u and keep it down soon ur gonna
die,,,only then do u realize how much we take for granted wen we all
sit uop here n help eachother kill ourselves...i been sick as fuck for
9 weeks now... in soo much pain....i cant eat food and even a lil tiny
tiny piece of a cracker hurts i throw up even broth....if i try to
force the food down it just hurts too bad snd thern im in even more
pain the b4 plus i stillthorw up....been on san ambulance 3 times
now..been to the hospital 5 times.... almost died 2 times from over
dose....by accident on crystal meth...came literally hours from
dieing... now im being told im gunna die if i dont get potassium in me
and if i dont get anything in me at all..my potassium level is
dangerously low.my coordination and balance is all outta fuckin
whack....i loose balance sometiems fall over or off to the side
by just standing up...and dont even get me started on walkin g in a
straight line.. couldnt do it if i made myself try it for hours n
hours. i look sick as fuck..i feel sick as fuck ...i havent ate in
3weeks because i hate throwing up and i dont want the exrtra pain ive
lost over 40 pounds.my size 5 ring that only fit my ring finger b4 and
never even dared start to fit my middle finger.. is practiacally
falling off my middle finger now.i get bruises all over random
and fromk almost nothing,..,. looked down at my thigh the other
day....there was 18 bruises and thats just tha ones on my thigh... not
to mention my knees and calves and hands and arms... chest... um ya...
they dont all hurt but they are there and its not exactly a nice thing
to look at. i dunno...im not gunna preach,..im not gunna say u all are
wrong for wat ur doing... hell; i used to encourage u..and i feel
horrible..coz if anyone of u were to die id blame me... all i kno is
please please please just be careful. i understand u want to loose
weight
but even if u doint want to diet.. coz it takes too long... trust me..
only eating a very lil bit....drinkin a ton of water and
exercising will make u loose weight fast. but u can never eat a full
meal....im not suggesting starve urself ..im jus saying for those of u
that are trying it the way i did and now tha point where i cant eat
even if i tried. im givin u an alternative... because i
hasve been ion sooooo much psin...u dont even know.,. havent had a
period since oct. i cant lay on mky side or stomach...and i cant move
too fast or i get very nauseated and i gag till i throw up either all
tha water i drank..or acid...the 5 hospitsal trip for me was this past
monday...when i passed out ion my car.i didnt even kno wat was goin
on... i didnt even kno wat happened/... all i kno is i left my moms
house at 3pm
and all of a sudeden i was on an ambulance and they were sdtickin a
breathin tubr down my t5hroat and they actually fractured my nose coz
it was too big... it made me not able to breathe more. i was throwing
up blood the whole time at the hospital...and then next i kno im bein
dischasrged... i dont kno wat day it is or time... and they kick me out
of the hospital..it was county.. so they were very rude..they made me
stay outside in a tasnktop and pj pants that are way too big on me and
way too thin because they took my jacket off me wen they found me
passed out and they didnt bring it.. i was wandering around
outside..dazed and confused wondering where the fuck i was ...wat time
it was..wat day it was....and i jus wanted to go home and i was
freezing to death finally i saw some cops and stopped them asnd they
called n got ahold of my dad for me suprisingly enough and they made
the hospital let me in side and they made them give me blankets. anbd
then wasnt till half way thru my dad taskiun me home thst i found out
it was 2 in tha freakin morning... they discharged me at 1am...i didnt
kno wat time it was but thot it had to only be 7 or 8pm so um
ya.....neway im loosing weight.,. ya im glad... but weight is the last
of my worries right now... i look sick as fuck and i feel it
too.....neway therr really is no point in this..but i jus wrote it,...
those of u that choose to read n reply.. thas cool...those of u that
dont.. thas cool too... it doesnt realli matter... jus think
...everytime u refuse to even eat anything....jus think of later on
down the road,,,,think of being in such unbearable pain and no matter
wat u do u cant stop it,... u caused it and now its taken over u.
doctors dont even kno wat to do for you. not tryin to scare u hell
everyione has their own life and decsions..and i kno damn welll ppl
will do watever the helkl they wanna do...coz ppl have a choice...and u
can tell them ur opinion till ur blue in the face
and it wont matter because wen it all comes down to it ..tha choice is up to them. im jus tellin u from experience.
this is not a good life. i would give anything to just be avble to
exercise again...or jus be able to do everything normal ppl do..but i
gotta be extra careful wat i do cause im too weak for stuff,,.i have no
balance or coordination anymore... if i move a certain way or too fast
im so sick and in so much pain. im sorry but this is no way to live and
im not living
im dieing everyday
may not die today,.,may not die tomorrow
but i could die at any second...and yes i kno anyone could
be im at a higher risk right now because of how sick i been... next
time i get sent to the hospital.. i may not be able to come out...and
yes i kno itds my faulkt.. yes i kno i never helped it... i kno and
understand that,....but thas basically all i can do now.. is admitt
that i kno it was all me
at least im mature enough to admit it!
hopefuklly things start gettin better
and im not giving up
no matter wat
jus know i will fight to the end.. even if im my only support... even if im tha only one backin me up
because even if noone around me will help...even if noone around me
cares,,,,even if noone around me wantds to say positive thingd to me..
they only want to tear me down... i refuse to let them win......if i
die.... they dont win...coz the only winnders are the ones that realize
they are wrong..and they fight.. they never give in,.. even if it means
loosing everything.. even if it means loosing their life.the battle may
be lost ..but the war willl be won.
ive never hade anyone on my side i always have had ppl puttin me
down and not lettin me forget bout my past... not gettin over it...but
ive found that im the only person i need anyway,. if i have made it
this far then i kno damn well anyone can...i have always been my only
supporting person... ive always been the one that has gotten me up wen
i felll farr down.....ya it may take awhile.... but ive made it... im
here today... if i wouldnt have ever realized that things are my fault
too if i wouldnt have realized that not everything was my fault but i
cant change wat happened....then i would be dead right now.... no joke
i wouldnt have even lived past 13 and now im 18.dont tell me everyine
needs someone... dont tellme i cant do it on my own... coz my ownself
is the only person thas been here the whole time...i never even had
people offer to help....so dont push ppl away and act rude wen they jus
wanna help and love n care bout u....coz not everyine has that chnace
to even accept that offer....sometimes the offer isd never there and it
may be a long tough road... but they will get thru it... ppl that can
get thru somethin while the whole worlds trying to pull them down...
they are the strongest people out there.dont tell them they cant do
it...coz i can tell u from experience ...they will come out 10 times
stronger in the end.... ya so mab things arent too great for me right
now...but i make people smile everyday,..i make people laugh./...i
listen to people...and if i die....at least i die knowing i did
something.... knowing i made at least one person happy.....thas the
best feeling in the world... coz even if i loose everything.even if i
loose my life... at leasti kno i made a difference in someone elses
life... neway i jus wrote a fuckin book and i hope it made sense my
freamkin mind is rushing.. n yeee..... ima shut up now.... luv ya
all... ttyl hope all goes well
<33Lisha
|
| |
| well im back everyone.....
wow....i have gained alotttttttt of weight.........
i sorta hate myself..... but im ready to go on fasts and everything again... i throw up but not enough... im sick of all tha constant battles... so yeh im gunna start goin on fasts again and exercisin alot.. i kno its gunna take alot.. seein how its been forever since i fasted.. especially since i been smokin pot alottttttt...................... but ye.... here goes! im back love ya all!
<33 Lisha
hope u all can still talk to me.. even if i am a big fuckin fat failure.... |
| |
| im sick :( that sux!!
but it's good coz im not hungry!!!
yay
no food is a good thing!
"Quod me nutrit me destruit"
<3Lisha |
| |
| ok so like sooo muchhh emotional crap has been goin on lately! and i been sick.. and blahhhhh i can keep up wit this tho! i can! and i will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i refuse to b a fucking failure damnit!!!!!!!!!!!
i refuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=(
<3Lisha |
| |
| hey!! how r u girls doin??
good i hope!!!
i havent been so good
been realli dizzy and have a sharp sharp pain in my stomach
my hearts like racing too.. its so weird.. i feel horrible.. like im gunna pass out.... i been eating a lil bit like an apple n stuff.. so i cant feel a lil better....coz i dont wanna get sick.. but i think its too late.. but im not eating starting today... i didnt eat for 2 days.. n then i ate coz i felt like i was gettin sick and i hate being sick....but u get sick alot wen u dont eat or wen u throw up.... i think there is sumthing seriously wrong wit me.. like i have felt worse than i heave ever felt even wen fasting.... i cant even explain how i feel... but i cant eat today my stomach hurts worse than ever... and i need to loose weight..... i dunno im like in a bad/weird situation right now.... i dont wanna go to tha doc. b4 i loose sum more weight... but yet at the same time.. i have a feeling that something major is wrong wit me....and at tha same time... that could be from tha laxatives i was taking for awhile.. i was taking 10 -17 a day..... i was gettin bad.. it hurts to even go to tha bathroom now... so im basically screwed if i do go to tha doc. and screwed if i dont go.... ive allready been to tha hospital for bulimia before... so this is not good.. i dunno.... im sorta scared.. yet at tha same time all i can think of is loosing weight.... man i dunno.... anyhoo im gunna go to sleep coz i feel like im gunna pass out... this is making me nacious.... anyhoo i love u all lots!
much ana ~n~ mia <3
<3: Lisha |
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